My
Personal Prison
Taylor Riley is a 30 year old woman that
suffers from a serious social phobia. She resolves to leave her appartment in
Brno only in emergency and the only people she speaks to are the messengers.
„No,
mother. I really don't think that this time I'll get 'lucky' and do I have to
mention the seven times before you tried to find me some guy online?“ seriously
you can't imagine how much I love these conversations with my mum.
„But
Tay, you won't be thirty forever, the best guys are already taken and you're
not exactly the perfect catch yourself“ ouch, charming as always, Clara.
„Well
thank you, but I am perfectly able to find a man IF and I repeat IF I wanted
one, which I don't. Why are you so obsessed with me finding a guy anyway?“ okay
now I'm starting losing it a bit. I have to hang up before she starts bubbling
up about her dentist.
„I
just think that you'll be happy if someone took care of you, you know?“
dramatic pause, this'll be good „For real Taylor, don't you think that a grown up
woman like you shouldn't be scared of going outside?“ right, the
you-are-just-scared-and-not-ill-at-all thing again.
„I'm
hanging up mothe-“
„No
no NO, don't hang up baby, you know I just care about you“ ughm,
mothers, am I right?
„Plus
I haven't told you the best part yet“ I'm not sure I like that flirty voice
„Well I was talking about you with dr. Phelps back then and -“ goodbye, mother.
I
don't have time for this anyway, my project deadline is in two days and I am
not even halfway there. I sit to my desk, kindly remove the Ceshire cat from my
seat first, and open my laptop with Doctor Who sticker on it. My mother says
I'm too old to be a fangirl, but I don't care. Fictional characters are my
escape and my only friends. Well besides Alicia.
Alicia
Goldberg and I started online chatting about a year ago after the both of us
argued with a bunch of douchebags who were making fun of people suffering with
anxieties. Alicia herself has had some rough time during the puberty because of
her social phobia and OCD, she even got expelled from highschool as a result of
her numerous absences, would you believe it? People are stupid.
Thinking
of Alicia I proceed to check my emails hoping she's already read my lament
about yesterday's conversation with my
new neighbour, which obviously didn't hear about the „crazy cat lady in the
fourth floor“ yet.
FROM
: Alicia89@gmail.com
TO
: TayR@gmail.com
DATE
: February 4th 11:24am
SUBJECT
: Re: Neighbours suck
Hey,
oh my, I totaly get your exasperation, but I
wouldn't worry he'll be trying to get along again xD
I only wish I could be there with you and
protect you. If, you know, you didn't live so damn far away in an enormously
crowded city and didn't have a cat and I wouldn't be a freak that hates any
kinds of contact, heh.
Anyway, how are you feeling today? How's the
coding going?
Yours
truly (from apart), Alicia
I'm
staring at her picture with that stupid smile I always make when thinking of
her for a solid five minutes before I type the answer.
FROM
: TayR@gmail.com
TO
: Alicia89@gmail.com
DATE
: February 4th 1:10pm
SUBJECT
: Re: Re: Neighbours suck
Dear
and lovely Alicia,
you are a gift to this world, someone should
finally write a poem about your greatness.
And I DO wish you were here, not just to
protect me but also to be protected by me x)
We could make it work, actually. We might
organize the flat the way you'd feel like and we'd shave Cheshire so you won't
panick over the hair floating everywhere and we might get those vertical blinds
to separate the room if either of us needs a safe space. And Brno might by
really effing crowded but also provides the awesomeness called home delivery
which allows you to not ever have to go outside your (you could say „our“
imagine that) flat. This keeps me from moving out of here. This and the
pathological fear of speaking to people of course xD
And since you ask about the coding, I better
get to it because since yesterday I haven't wrote a single character and what
did I do, you're asking, that was more important than the job that allows me to
live the life I do? Binge watched the entire serie of Glee. Again. Shocking, I
know xD
Yours
forever, Taylor
After
fifty minutes of unsuccessful effort to work I give up (I accidentally slipped
in the dreaming of a perfect life in Brno with Alicia in which we'd help
eachother push our limits to the point where we'd be able to leave the house
and go to the Špilberk castle or to take a picture by the Phallic clock in the
centre, which is suppose to symbolize a bullet, but everybody know it's just a
huge black D)
The
minute I sit on the couch to watch another serie of Glee (yes, I know, I'm a
trash) the bell rings three times. I love David, he is the only one so far who
not only agreed to leave the purchase on the rug by the door but also suggested
the signal of three rings for me to be sure it's safe to open the door. He even
leaves notes on the bag sometimes to cheer me up. This time it says „Look up“
which confuses me at first but then I look on the sky and almost melt under the
sight of milions of stars and the moon in the size of small building. Okay
David, you got me there.
That
night I sleep like a baby in my Stitch pyjamas and with a picture of me and
Alicia on the top of the Old Town hall in mind.
FROM
: Alicia89@gmail.com
TO
: TayR@gmail.com
DATE
: May 15th 6:48pm
SUBJECT
: Surprise!!!
My
dearest, beloved Taylor,
you better sit down, if you haven't already,
because what I'm going to tell you is the biggest thing you'll ever hear!
Okay, ready?
I
AM
GOING
TO
VISIT
YOU
THIS
FRIDAY!
I'll let you absorb it
Alicia
I´m
absorbing. I AM absorbing... I AM DYING! It can't be possible, I mean HOW can
this be true? Head full of questions and hands shaking I somehow manage to type
the answer.
FROM
: TayR@gmail.com
TO
: Alicia89@gmail.com
DATE
: May 15th 7:01pm
SUBJECT
: Re: Surprise!!!
You need to explain this to me, because I
don't get it.
Taylor
I press the send button and I wait and I
refresh the email box for so long that my eyes hurt but the response never
comes.
It's
wednesday, two days from the last email from Alicia. I've sent her twelve
emails since then, all desperate and begging like myself, but no answer.
I'm
not gonna lie, I cried over that for many reasons including „what the heck“ and
„why the heck“ but mainly I was worried about her silence. She never let me
wait for the answer for more than few hours, even in emergencies so what's
happening now? Of course she didn't mean it when she wrote she'll come to visit
me. She can't come to Brno for obvious reasons so why did she write this? Is it
some kind of joke? But if it is, why isn't she answering?
Eventually
I've concluded that Alicia was just over me and didn't wanna hurt me so she
ended it the only way she knew I'll buy which made me cry even more. Even watching
the whole Hunger games trilogy didn't help so I've decided the best thing to do
will be burrying myself in the sheets and sleep.
But
I couldn't, could I? No, that wouldn't be me if I didn't stare on the crack on
my ceiling for hours overthinking every single word I wrote to Alicia trying to
figure out what in earth did I do wrong. When my alarmclock shows 3:57am I give
up and sit to my computer, I'm late with my project anyway.
On
friday morning I'm feeling like my heart's gonna explode. Of course I don't
believe that visit lie Alicia tried to feed me with, I don't expect her to show
up at my door with baloons and chocolate but still. The whole day I spend
trying to keep myself busy with working, drawing I even call my mother who's
openly shocked when I ask her about her day but I can only keep her talking for
about five minutes before she starts giving me questions and I have to hang up.
I'm about to break down.
The
next day I'm looking like a sad messy clown with racoon-ish eyes and red nose
and not feeling any better than that. But at the same time I feel relieved,
what was I worrying about? I laugh at my own patheticity and decide to treat
myself with a bowl of cerial and chocolate and ice cream. As if I'm not weird
enough I might as well be fat. Who cares?
On
sunday morning I wake up to the noise of my ring bell. Three rings to be exact.
I wait for a minute or two before I open the door and freeze. Oh no this isn't
happening, God tell me this isn't happening, I have to find the way out of this
immediately! My head spins as I look on the elegant figure standing in front of
me.
„Hello“
the pink lips smile as they speak and I'm considering smashing the door as fast
as possible but my body doesn't seem to cooperate. Everything's blurry and my
knees turned into christmas jelly. The only thing I'm capable of is grabbing
the door frame before my forehead finds it first.
„I'm
sorry I jumped at you like this, I didn't wanna upset you“ that fool must be
CRAZY or totally unaware of the things I can do when I'm frightened like this.
„WHAT
the HELL are you DOING?“ I'm almost positive that I'm yelling but I can't tell
for sure because of the hedache that's coming.
The
brown eyes sadden noticeably as the man on my doormat crooks.
„I...I
am really...sorry Taylor...I mean miss...I mean...“ the boy seems lost in words
and I feel sorry for him but also angry.
„David's
sick so the agency's sent me“ he starts mummling and my pity for him is gone as
I start to realize where this is going.
„He
told me about you and I thought...“ the rest of the sentence is so quiet that I
can't hear him with my world spinning like that.
„It's
okay just...bye“ I slam the door before the poor thing collect himself, curl up
on the floor and start to sob uncontrollably.
Later
that night I find myself somewhere between the urge to hang myself on the death
star chandelier my mum gave my on my last birthday and buying the gun to avenge
mistr great Lennon but my master plans are flashed by the Ceshire cat who
starts to cry over his empty bowl.
„Taylor
Destiny Riley“ I hear my inner voice.
„You
are a mess no doubt that“ now I am speaking out loud.
„But
every single one of your heroes started on the same bottom you are now and did
they give up?“ I stand up from the ground to the superhero pose, just imagine
me with a red cape.
As
I march the room back and forth my determination grows. I don't wanna be like
this my whole life. Something must change. This last days has been a hell for
me. The loss of Alicia broke my heart and the not knowing of what really
happened with her is driving my crazy but one thing this whole situation helped
me realize. I can't be dependent on one person I've never even met. I might
have a mental condition but I also have many things to live for. I'm not alone.
And I know what to do to make it right. I grab my phone and dial the number.
„Hello?“
„Mum...“
my voice breaks and I start to cry but it's cleansing cry. I feel nervous but
also relieved. My whole life I've been putting myself a label of a sick person
and I acquiesced it. But not anymore. Now I'm ready to fight.
„I'm
ready mum“ I laugh when I hear my mother's gasp „Will you help me?“ I smile
through the tears and for once in my life I feel like something really CAN
change. It's gonna be a rough path, but I have the whole life to try and to
fall and get back on my feet. I'll do it. Baby steps.
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