Thursday, June 8, 2017

Confession of an unborn child, by Tereza Málková


Confession of an unborn child

Synopsis : What if an unborn child is not that unconscious of the world around us as we think? We might know life after death but what about before-birth life, can you imagine something like this exists?

Most people think we are just empty cases until we are born – incapable of any better understanding of circumstances, being little unaware creatures without a glimmer of deeper consciousness of the world we are becoming a part of. Actually, it´s rather the other way round. Even though I do not know where I came from or why I even belong to this particular just developing body, I can assure you that I have had many thoughts or visions before the Day occurs and I am going to be suddenly fettered with human body disabilities. So that´s why I´ve decided to confess this to the audience while I am still a tiny part of God´s will not even human-shaped at this very moment. As I have forgotten many things so far and even more I will in upcoming days I need to be quick and precise in my conffesion. Long may it take for me to forget this fortunate knowledge but now I know it will not even last few more days to keep this as a precious treasure. Hardly anyone from living human can ever imagine that the day of birth is somehow the day of death for creatures as we are, as we forget what we have been before.

My very first memory of the Earth being my future home was the experience of flying remotely resembling those from your dreams and I suppose from what I´ve learnt about people that almost everybody was dreaming at least once of their bodies floating the surface and landing as a feather nearby after the flight is done. If I am right, imagine a flying invisible creature without body being carried away by a wind or occasionally travelling so fast that you can see all the places of the World in one minute. And so we did as I suppose there were more of us like me and despite not seeing them I could feel some energies on the way I took and my nonphysical body trembled any time we met. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you what I´ve seen throughout my little flying there or any details of the great Universe I had probably met in the past times and maybe there is nothing like this, but for sure first days on the Earth me and the others were free as birds sailing the sky and getting know all the places, animals and human races living down there.

Soon I was directed to a small country called Czech Republic. Do not ask me if it was my choice to land there, in that uplifting moment if it was just up to me, I would not have landed anywhere just staying there above the clouds watching the scene beyond, but somehow I was forced to. The city was called Brno with a majestic Gothic cathedril just in the heart of main street´s rush surrounded by few squares. I can remember I really liked the bell´s ringing each day at 11, reminding me of really old times not just in this place but all over the world. It was early autumn and gardens under the Špilberk castle were full of people either rushing to catch their lunch break or having a lunch directly there on benches or picknicking in the peaceful shadows of trees as the sun was still quite strong. I decided to have a rest near the south summerhouse listening to the noice of fontain and rustling of first leaves in wind that trees shed on their regular winter journey. I was just getting familiar with the place when I heard a strange woman´s voice in the distance. „I cannot believe that..“ she said „I am just telling you it´s impossible“added she resolutely. That was the moment my nonphysical body has been attracted to specific human life – my future mummy´s one. Suddendly I emerged in a corner of a very small flat watching a girl in her mid-twenties having a phone call. She seemed to be very agitated holding a white narrow stripe in the right hand. A pregnancy test. „Mum, it´s not fair, we have just broken up I cannot keep IT.“ My intuition pointed out acutely that I should beware of this notice as they are talking about me. That scared me a little bit. „No, I won´t!“screamed she impatiently „last week I drank about ten thousand shots so even if it was true it could not resist this. And I am really not going to meet with him anymore cos´it´s over. Bye!“ The phone fell out of her hand and she burst into cry. I felt almost pity for her, but then I heard her thinking : This test just must have been wrong, I would rather be dead than to have a child with him. Anyway, we broke up few weeks ago even though my mum thinks we are apart just about a week, I must get out of this awfull flat we used to live together, but where else shall I go? Currently, my life has been disaster, I cannot remember except for today a day when I was sober, such an amazing girl I am. I need to get out of this terrible city and immediately! Tomorrow morning I´ll do that test again and if it´s not confirmed I´ll leave for sure. And as she told she did. Next day she bought a better test in one of those shops that are quite anonymous and straightly after she came home she used it. Negative. She was so relieved and started packing her suitcase. Soon after her monthly period occured. But I was still there and so we travelled, because from that moment I could not leave her.

Actually, it took her few days until the flight was booked and some flat arrangements organized. She left a short message on a cheapo dinning table she had bought some time ago and left it there with a deep sigh. On a paper there was stated: I suppose you are going to be here during following days to collect the rest of your stuff so I am just letting you know the keys are in the cupboard as usual, the rent had been paid for this month, please speak with the landlord about the notice to quit. All the furniture I am leaving here and you can keep it if you want, not interested about it anymore.. Do not worry I´ll be safe travelling as I wanted for money I had saved up during my stay in England, please do not write me any pitiful messages begging me to return, that´s not going to happen. Hope you´ll be happy in the end, bye. Catherine. Then the doors were shut and the travel began.

We had spent about two months just hanging around some English valleys and I got used to be in a position of a quiet observer of anything she had done not judging her for being too cruel or uncaring as I knew from the bottom of my heart she was really kind but her mind was full of destructive thoughts which made me feel worried about her sometimes. During the time we spent there I understood that she returned to familiar places where she had spent working holidays about a year ago and what occured to be the main reason why she had split up with her ex-boyfriend. He was too afraid to travel with her so she went through this experience on her own and from that moment on she thought of him as he was the biggest coward in the world. I could read in her thoughts she was still cross with him but slowly on our way the sorrow had been replaced with reconsiliation. Fortunately, she was clever enough not to drink too much during our trip so my little developing body could survive in her belly, even though she had no slightest idea about my presence. Taking into consideration the prices of alcohol in the UK - when I look back - I think I was just lucky.

When Christmas time approached she finally decided to come back to her´s mother´s house located near Mikulov in South Moravian region. For me it was getting harder and harder to keep up with her thoughts and my nonphysical body was more and more often tied up with her body as the little brain cells had been created into a brain form of a child, so I could not escape the body freely to watch the scenes from the outside. I also started to forget my out-of-body experience and was not possible to influence this process, but sometimes still some memories emerged from the darkness in which I was now supposed to live. One flash of such a memory came to me about the day we had landed back at Brno´s airport. We were just passing the gate on the way back through the airport hall after a calm flight when she had a call. Being clueless about who it was, I saw her very nervous. Obviously, her montly period did not arrive and she attached great value to this to the fact, she had a tonsilitis which can cause the delay.. but for so long? Finally she persuaded herself to go to see a doctor next day, but before we left the airport, someone called her name and came towards us.

Hello Cat, are you still avoiding my company?“ I heard this soft male voice right in front of us. There was no sign of anger in it. „What do you want? How did you know that I am returning?“ she said quite accusingly. „From your mum. Oh, come on, why are you pretending we do not know each other. We were a couple once. Why are you frowning so much?“ „What did she tell you?“ I knew that she was too afraid of him to know about this pregnancy thing, no matter that the test was negative. „Nothing really. But that´s not why I am here. Remember when you wanted a lime tree some time ago? I ordered it by the time we were still together but it took more than 2 months to get it and now I have it here for you.It´s yours, take it.“ A bit of silence followed as she was wandering what to do. „I cannot accept it. Why would you give this to me after all I´ve done to you?“ He shrugged his shoulders and replied quietly : „Well, firstly, I didn´t want to, but then I realized I need to talk to you once more. Not because I´d like to ask you back, not at all, I have a new life now and just got used to it. Simply because I think sometimes you are not strong enough and prefer rather to run away than to face problems.“ What do you mean? Are you making a mock of myself or what?“ she said sharply on her defence but it felt more sorrowful. „Why are you so angry with me when it was you who left. And you told me yourself that any time before it was you leaving.. think about it. And please take this. I´ve waisted quite a lot time on waiting for you and now I need to go.“ So in the end, she was left there staring at him walking out of the airport main door,  luggage in one hand and the lime tree in the other and that was the last time she saw him.

Second day she went to Brno to see her gynecologist as planned. It was freezing outside and even my little hidden body was shivering slightly with cold or maybe – let´s admit it - with fear. I wished I could have convinced her to let me live, the world has been so precious to me and I could still remember the smell of flowers outside while flying so gentle as a breeze above the Špilberk gardens. But no way, I had to wait for her decision. The older woman´s voice asked her to lie down and bare her belly to screen it. I imagined how she was taking the scanning head and touching the skin. After while she said excitedly: „Congratulations, mommy! You´re in eleventh week of pregnancy, you can see your baby´s small heart bumping right here!“ She hardly dared to speak gasping for breath, but I could not see her thoughts at that moment and that´s why I was so scared what this silence means. On the way back from the doctor´s office she popped in to her favourite place I had never seen before. In close proximity of her former flat in Líšeň, there is a natural quarry called Hády from which you can see whole the city and on bright days also Pálava located near the Czech-Austria border. This is the last out-of-body memory I have on my mind from the days my consciousness was beyond my body limits. We climbed up the hill briskly, she with her headphones on listening to the song Let it go from James Bay all over again. It was really cold and we couldn´t see a lot due to a scotch mist dropping down the countryside covering the valley, but there was a bright colour of limestone seen in the contrast of green vegetation and two small lakes underneath. It was an amazing view, nevetheless I could not even enjoy it as a calm companion of a girl deciding about my future. Was she about to jump of the cliff ending it all for both of us? I could imagine her life was disaster as I realized it was impossible for her exboyfriend to be a father of me and to be honest I did not care at all who it was, because my only wish was to stay alive. In the end, she stood up and headed home and that´s how the memory ends.

On 22th May that year in Nemocnice Milosrdných bratří a baby Anabella Hradecká was born at quater to 11am, right in time to hear the bell of the Catherdral of St. Petr and Paul and my memories of the life before I was born have been lost forever. My mum Catherine soon after we left Hády, the quarry, started to buy new-born baby stuff and prepared herself to be a single mother. She did not want to let anyone down by running away from difficult situations as she did many times before. First thing I can remember when she brought me home is a smell of fresh limes and green leaves of a lime tree hanging out of window shelf above my crib. So that´s the story of how I was born and died at the same time losing all my memory and getting a new one as a blank list of paper. But somehow I know that the world is a perfect place for living.

No comments:

Post a Comment