A City of Two Tales
These tales remember the recent and distant past of a famous city. Two
friends try to retrace their steps from the previous evening, meanwhile Prof.
Masaryk mulls over the current state of society.
A City of Two Tales
Part I – Remembering the Recent Past
The rich light of the early Brno afternoon streams through the window
bathing Tam's rainbow horn in a soothing warmth. After a tired yawn and a
stretch of his sturdy limbs, he slowly starts to look around his room. With
great effort he swings his legs off the bed only to hear the unmistakable clink
of empty beer bottles. The noise seemed particularly abrasive and Tam wonders
just what kind of night he has endured. With a wobble he manages to land on all
fours and heads into the kitchen, following the trail of Bohemky[1] crumbs,
stumbling through a few doors in the process. The window is open and the
appalling fragrance of hops from the Starobrno brewery permeates the room. What
is normally a much welcome aroma makes Tam dry-heave…
Drako, Tam's new friend, greets him unceremoniously before taking
another long drag on his freshly lit cigarette, and pauses to study Tam before
bursting into fits of laughter.
Drako, laughing heartily, comments on Tam's weak stomach, stating that
horses should generally be much stronger. Tam proceeds to correct Drako,
blurting adamantly that he, Tam, is a unicorn and even a stupid crocodile
should know that… He lets his last comment hang in the air, much like the
silver smoke surrounding Drako's snout. Drako, between puffs, retorts that Tam
knows fine well that he, Drako, is a dragon...and not just any dragon, a
Brnensky Dragon[2]
with a capital D. Tam gives his new acquaintance a quizzical look and wonders
just how they ended up at his apartment and just what exactly the previous
night's adventure entailed. Drako agrees they should try to find out.
The odd pair survive the descent to the front door and saunter along the
uneven pavement. Tam, wondering what time it is, glances at his 'u-watch[3]' only for
his attention to be drawn by a bracelet stamped 'Fleda'. They agree to head
there and see a poster for 'The Beatles – Revival' upon their arrival. A sea of
memories comes flooding back; the band, the stage, the bright lights, the
drinks… They make a decision not to linger there any longer, drink-related
memories being bad for their stomachs, and so they walk past Stara Pekarna to
Luzanky Park. Behind the bracing breeze they decide to heat up with a snack.
While checking for loose change, Tam finds a receipt for a boat ride. He shows
it to Drako who confirms talk of a boat ride yesterday but also a visit to the
castle.
The castle is closer so they amble up the hill, passing Weasel political
party posters, to the castle and take shelter from the biting wind in the café.
From the café they see the planetarium in the distance and Drako recalls a dice
game played with Kometa[4] fans, which
they called comet-yahtzee[5]. He
remembers looking for asteroids, shooting stars and the like. Tam does not
recognize the planetarium but informs Drako the café brings back more memories
of the previous day. Stomach rumbling, Tam orders a raspberry drink and
strudel. Drako opts for ice cream despite the weather. The waiter returns with
their orders, however on the table he also leaves a book, stating it belongs to
Tam. It looks brand new and clearly has not been read. Tam sees the author of
the book and freezes. It is one of those Masaryk books, and he has yet again
failed to complete his university assignment on time...
Part II – Remembering the Distant Past
Professor Masaryk of the Theological Biology Faculty, cleaned her
glasses and sighed deeply. Most famous for her discovery that the barbarian
inhabitants of Brnopolis from the 2000s (then called 'Brno') did not descend
from Adam and Eve, but in fact from the country's forefathers - Karel Gott and
Jaromir Jagr (known for their proud Czechtopian heritage and Alpha-wide fame) –
she was set for life. Another discovery she made proved that these barbarians
used to walk around without any clothing – documented by an old journal which
appeared to be from a metropolis bearing the name Erotic City. It was common
knowledge that World War VII back in 2500, when the Beta-planet fleet had wiped
out the last of the barbarians, allowed the animal uprising to take place. No
longer were Professor Masaryk's great-great-great-great...great-great
grandparents confined to the ghettos the barbarians referred to as “zoos[6]”
(presumably a reference to a mythological barbarian god from the Olympus crater
– once a mountain as legend would have it). The animals had come on leaps and
bounds since then, especially the rabbits who were responsible for the
Brnopolis vitality project. They adapted barbarian technology – notably a small
black space shuttle (Professor Mendel stated it was once a barbarian clock –
but such a laughable claim ended his career) in the centre of Freedom Square at
the city's centre. The vitality spray, injected into this black object, is
spurted out into the atmosphere (with the thrust mechanism reversed) which
prevents global warming and the decay of the surviving barbarian architecture.
A UNicornESCO trust campaigned for years to have a unicorn statue restored in
the city. Presumably there was a horn there before but it had been melted off
during wartime. The same trust campaigned to have the insulting barbarian
removed from the statue's back, presumably a late form of barbarian protest at
their impending demise. Brnopolis was the capital hub of Alpha-planet. Many
citizens of the planet made the pilgrimage to the hub, much in the way
barbarian monks of the Erasmus order, called 'Erasmus Students', did in
centuries past…
Professor Masaryk sighed. She was known for many behaviours, traits and
characteristics – from her fondness of barbarian history, to her love of little
barbarian ornaments which lined her window sills, her oversized shoes which she
frequently tap-tap-tapped when mid-thought, her high-pitched sneezes, tilting
her head to one side when advising students which could be seen as both
sympathetic and/or condescending, but not sighing. Especially not deep ones.
Once she was seen sighing when buying her nephew a birthday present and seeing
the price, but that was as shallow as sighs come. No, this sigh was one which
emanated from the soul. She continued to notice more and more parallels between
the current society in Brnopolis and that of the time of barbarian life. Were
us animals any different from those primeval 'barbs'? The government and police
forces were starting to arrest innocents for protesting against the ruling
Weasel regime, those who rebelled were met with force, animals wanted bigger
and bigger pens, bigger apartments, bigger gardens, more possessions – just
like those barbarian savages, and worst of all, only recently did she witness a
unicorn and a crocodile so blindly drunk and swaying from side to side – she
could have sworn they were imitating barbarian life…
[1] Bohemky – Bohemia chips/crisps
are a mainstay in many a household – a staple party food
[2] A Brnensky Dragon is a dragon
of Brno descent. It is widely known that this type of dragon likes to party.
[3] The must-have fashion
accessory for any self-respecting unicorn this season
[4] Kometa – a popular ice hockey
team
[5] Comet-yahtzee should not be
confused with the similar sounding Komet'áci – the local name for Kometa fans
[6] Zoos had the alternate
spelling zeus. The commonly accepted Brnopolis contemporary version is used in
the text.
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